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Dear
Friend of the Family,
Many
parents are surprised to find out that a member of their
family has an attraction for members of the same gender.
Moms and dads are perplexed, and they don't understand.
Due to the fact that same-sex attraction has an impact
on many families, United Families International has
devoted a fair amount of time and resources to the topic.
Four years ago, we published the booklet, "Guide
to Family Issues: Sexual Orientation." More recently,
our Arizona state chapter hosted an event in which therapist
Floyd Godfrey explained the dynamics underlying same-sex
attraction and the treatment he provides for those who
wish to end same-sex attraction.
Mr.
Godfrey recently received a letter from a parent whose
son told her he has same-sex attraction. We believe
those of you who can identify with this mother would
appreciate an opportunity to read Mr. Godfrey's response.
He offers sound, thoughtful advice to this parent. If
you know of other people who might also be able to identify
with this mother, please share this message of hope
with them. Below, you will also find a helpful list
of resources provided by Mr. Godfrey.
Sincerely,
Carol
Soelberg, President
United Families International
Dear
Mr. Godfrey:
I
just found out that my teenage son is sexually attracted
to other boys, not girls. What should I do?
Horrified
Mom
Dear Horrified Mom:
I'm
glad you took the time to write. It can be a confusing
reality to find that your child is attracted to others
of the same sex. Many parents feel a mix of emotions
about this condition.
Let
me first assure you that an attraction to the same sex
is a condition, not a state of being. In other words,
it is something your child is "feeling," but
it is not who they are. Sexual orientation is changeable.
One of the greatest myths ever developed in our society
is that sexual orientation is genetically determined.
This belief has grown to monumental proportions. In
the times of Columbus, it was believed that the world
was flat. In our day, society believes you are "born
gay." If you need scientific support for this opinion,
please go to the National Association of Research and
Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). They have a wonderful
library of resources and information.
In
helping your son, it will be important that you don't
communicate "horrified" reactions. Most youth
who struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA) have been
trapped by feelings of shame. They often hide what's
really going on without telling anyone of their struggles.
They often feel lonely and isolated. Sometimes the only
true friends they have are people who also struggle
with the same thing. It will be important for you to
communicate love and compassion to your son. Let him
know that you care about him "no matter what!"
Keep in mind that this should be a message that moves
beyond verbal interaction. Show him you care through
your actions. Find ways to communicate your love (e.g.,
spending time together).
You
will also want to get others involved who can reach
out and love your son regardless of his struggle. Be
cautious in who you tell, because some individuals are
critical and will only foster the shame. Even within
certain church communities, there are leaders and families
who may encourage isolation rather than open dialogue
and compassion. However, if you can find other family
members or friends who would be willing to help love
and spend time with your son, then you will continue
to decrease the isolation, loneliness and shame. It
will begin the healing your son needs.
One
of the best things you can do right at the start is
to educate yourself. The homosexual condition really
has nothing to do with sex. The feelings are a symptom
of underlying emotional wounds and deficits. These emotional
issues become strong enough to draw sexuality into them.
When these issues are identified and resolved, the same-sex
attraction diminishes and gives room for the development
of opposite-sex attraction. There are many good books
and programs to help you understand what's really happening
inside your son's heart. I have attached a list of good
resources you might consider. It will be critical that
you and your son find the correct information about
this condition. Whether your son wants to change or
not, having the information will be important.
A
professional therapist will be important in working
through the many issues related to SSA. However, make
sure the therapist has a good understanding of what
causes SSA. There are many generally licensed counselors
who have never been trained on this condition. Most
colleges will brush over homosexuality and give it the
genetic label. Consequently, most don't have the whole
picture. If they have studied with NARTH, then they
probably have some of the latest information on how
to help.
Keep
in mind that no one chooses to have homosexual feelings.
They are a result of emotional wounds and deficits.
You can't "choose" to stop the feelings, but
you can "choose" to get help. Real change
can occur through education, love and support of family
and friends and professional intervention. The feelings
are not a choice, but getting help is a choice.
I
hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Floyd
Godfrey, LPC
NOTE:
On June 10, Floyd Godfrey will sponsor a "Testimonial
Evening: Same-Sex Attraction -- The Recovery Story and
Real Life Experience." You will hear real life
testimony of what the SSA struggle is like and how the
healing process influenced one man's life. A frank discussion
on the topics surrounding the issue will be presented.
The event is free and open to everyone wanting to learn
more about SSA. The event begins at 7 p.m., at Family
Strategies, 2152 S. Vineyard Rd., Building 5B, Ste.
114, in Mesa, Arizona. Call (480) 668-8301 for additional
information.
Literature & Resources for SSA
Books
& Tapes:
-
"Homosexuality
-- Symptoms & Free Agency," by Scott &
Kae Andersen
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"Healing
Homosexuality -- Testimonies of Change," audiotape
program by Floyd Godfrey, LPC
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"You
Don't Have to be Gay," by Jeff Konrad
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"Growth
Into Manhood," by Alan Medinger
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"Reparative
Therapy of Male Homosexuality," by Dr. Joseph
Nicolosi
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"A
Parents Guide to Prevening Homosexuality,"
By Joe & Linda Nicolosi
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"Coming
Out Straight," by Richard Cohen
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"Homosexual
No More," by William Consiglio
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"Desires
in Conflict," by Joe Dallas
"Homosexuality -- A New Christian Ethic,"
by Elizabeth Moberly
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"Out
of Egypt," by Jeanette Howard
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"The
Battle for Normality," by Van Den Aardwig
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"101
Frequently Asked Questions about Homosexuality,"
by Mike Haley
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"Healing
Homosexuality," by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi
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"Homosexuality
and the Politics of Truth," by Dr. Jeffrey
Satinover
-
"Gay
Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing,"
by Richard Cohen
Online
Resources
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